Today I cried tears in my happy place
elusive deep soul sobs escaped
from the hermetically sealed Pandora's box
That holds my life's sorrows.
it came flooding out, no matter how hard I held the lid down
And the world didn't end,
Just felt like it did.
You were to exist here.
Sitting beside me.
This sun grazing your shoulders,
This breeze brushing your face.
Best-laid plans tilled up again by fate.
That bitch and I are going to have it out one day.
Taken more than her pound from me.
Erased the whiteboard of my future thrice now
Like a child late for recess.
You didn't just give me life, you taught me how to live it.
How to love fiercely
Laugh loudly
Take pride in hard work
be not afraid of adventure
or opportunity.
You stay with me in a way the others didn't.
Maybe it's the DNA
Or a lifetime of your words, advice, love.
Or maybe you are just still looking out for me.
You would do that.
In some ways, it makes it harder.
You feel so present that your lack of being
seems inconceivable at times.
Allows some deniability for my beleaguered mind.
I hear your voice in my head.
Always words of reassurance. Of love.
Your wife dreams of you, still caring for your family.
Your granddaughter steels herself for a lonely walk down the aisle.
Third strike on the father-daughter dance.
Your grandson still worries about failing to make you proud.
We are untethered without our anchor.
But we try to hold on to one another as the waves hit.
The ledger I owed to you could never be paid.
Not in your lifetime or mine.
So I try to pay it forward.
Pass on the accounting of generosity.
Try to hold on the the generational wealth
of a life well lived, well loved.
But today, I cried in my happy place.
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